My Journey Through Life Without MotherI have decided not to adorn this lens with a collection of photos, not because I don't want to, mind you, but because I cannot. Plus, This is not the easiest of subjects for me. I have decided to share this part of my life, more for myself, to be able to unload some of my emotions about not knowing my Mother. I think it is easier sometimes, to shed some of your feelings on strangers. Strangers, all of you are, despite what you show your interests to be through your lenses and your short profiles. I have become comfortable here within the folds of the Squidoo family, and so I have no problem sharing a piece of my life with you.
My family and I have never really been close, being scattered throughout our country and overseas. I don't know where they are, what they're doing, how many kids they have, or if they are even alive. My Father and Stepmother were not much closer to me, although we lived under the same roof for 7 years of my life. I met my future Stepmother on one occasion, only very briefly, when I was about 5 or 6 years old and still living in Korea. I had no concept at that time of divorce or remarriage. I believe I just remembered her as some lady my Father introduced me to. Heck, I barely knew Father since I only saw him a handful of times in my first 6 years of life. I lived with my Grandmother and Big Uncle and his children, my first cousins, in our Family Estate on the outskirts of Seoul. My birth Mother I do not know. My Father refuses to tell me anything about her, and what he has told me was never very flattering. It has always been a subject of pure imagination and conjecture on my part. When I was younger, I remember having the hint of a vague image of her. I only found out her name by pure accident. I had lost my wallet once with all of my IDs. My permanent resident alien card or green card was among those IDs and I had to get it replaced. A friend of mine is a special agent with the INS and he went into the computer for me to retrieve my Alien number. He wasn't supposed to, but he did it for me, and while he was in there, he also got me my biological mother's name for me. I absolutely could not believe my good fortune. Right there in front of me, I finally had my real Mother's name. Immediately, my brain started working overtime to figure out a way to find her. Should I hire one of those people finders, search for her myself, call a psychic, what....
I simply didn't know. All of a sudden, I started remembering what my Dad and Stepmom used to tell me about my mother being remarried with another family of her own. I always wonder if she ever even tried to contact me, or if she even cares. Am I never in her thoughts? Does she not remember my existence? It's been so hard for me to reconcile with the fact that I know absolutely nothing about her. I don't know if she is here in the U.S. or overseas. I don't know if she would even want to meet me. It's not my goal to disrupt her life or complicate things for her. I just truly believe that I have the right to know who my mother is. Am I wrong? Is it so wrong to want to see her and know where I came from? I have been told that I resemble her, but in what way? I have been told that I got my unusual size from her side of the family. I'm a fairly big guy for a Korean. Yet and still, I have nothing to go on which would get me any closer to her. I have looked for her online and called many women with her name, but to no avail. I am beginning to think that it will never happen. Although I am a positive soul with plenty of optimism to spare, it simply feels like an exercise in futility. All I have is a name. A name and a face I have only seen by the use of my imagination. I don't know the circumstances by which I was taken from her, or her from me, and I truly hate to speculate. I have a theory, but I do not like to dwell on it because I would look even less favorably on my Father and my family. Perhaps I shall share my theories with you guys one day. I will end this rant of mine by simply giving one piece of advice. For those of you who have a close and loving family, always cherish them. Don't go days and years without telling your mother that you love her. I would give almost anything, short of my soul, to know her. It is an everlasting hole in the center of my being which I am losing hope of ever being able to fill.
The Mother of my mind....
The Mother of my heart....
I can only imagine, for I do not know who she is....
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